to be seen25.jul.25

i think it's kinda funny how i have this website that is being Seen by A Lot of people and yet... i'm also a little bit scared of being seen at the same time. today as i was punching out, my manager told me that i am pretty invisible to her. she didn't even tell me that as a bad thing or anything. she just said that when i'm on the clock she barely notices i'm there. and you know, it's not like i'm fucking around doing whatever. i am doing my job. i thought the comment was kinda funny, we both laughed after all. but it still made me think about me and this shyness and anxiousness that i feel just from existing and being ... me.

it's not debilitating but it's something that i feel frequently. i'm always working through it, always pushing myself to do something that is quite simple and yet kinda scary to me. despite feeling this way at times, i know i'm making progress and i'm happy for that. i would have missed out on so many things if i had kept being in my comfort zone. so that's something i always tend to remember whenever i feel a little bit scared to be out there.

despite what my manager said, i know i'm not really invisible. my friends see me and notice me. my peers see me and notice my work. and a lot of people on the internet see what i project into these HTML files and talk to me about what that means to them.

i'm scared of being seen and yet it makes me incredibly happy when someone notices me. i hope eventually i won't be so scared of silly things like this. that would be so awesome. here's to being weird and off-putting. thank you to the people that have noticed me.

my 5th sickening of the year06.jul.25

working in retail truly is hell. idk if it's a skill issue, but i am currently sick once again. last time i was sick was literally 1 week ago. i think so far i've been sick 4 times this year. well 5 times if you count being sick during new years. and yes i will blame it all on my retail job. if it isn't the clients, it's probably my coworkers going to work sick because they probably can't afford to not go and not get money. at least that's what i want to think. but if it's the clients, then please go kill yourself. no need to be there sick.

anyway, i really need to mask up for that job and probably have a dangling hand sanitizer keychain on my pants because there is simply no other way of dealing with this. i feel a little weak, with a stuffy nose, and a sore throat but at least i don't feel like i'm dying like last time.

i have a trip planned pretty soon so i guess it's better to get sick right now rather than later. and also thinking about that trip is making me not go into insanity for getting sick twice during my summer break. but still. it really is a pain in the ass to get sick.

during the time i was sick in june, another madoka blu-ray set had arrived so i could finally complete my PMMM collection! or at least somewhat.

this one includes: both PMMM movies: beginnings and eternal, the soundtrack CD, and a little book just like the rebellion set. while rewatching eternal i noticed that the scene where madoka and homura are naked in space got censored (by putting them in some very blurry and dreamy white dresses) which honestly thank god. i had never really noticed that when i first watched eternal.

the time i've spent sick during my summer break has not been the best but at least it gives me more time to do stuff i don't usually do often like watching movies that are on my watchlist. my god did i watch so many movies. i also have a little sticky note on the wall behind my desk with stuff i want to accomplish this summer. here's some stuff on that list:

• make a walkman js mp3 player

i had such a fun time doing the mp3 player. i kind of built it right besides my girlfriend as she was playing deltarune. seeing the 2d walkman player made me want to buy one 2nd hand on ebay. i have SO many mp3 files on my computer. but all the ones that were within my budget were in japanese and i dont understand japanese! maybe it was a sign from god. so realistically, i simply ended up buying a 128gb micro sd card so i can put all of my mp3 files there and listen to it on my phone. next up is finding a good mp3 player app on android but that is a problem for another day.

• work through the frontend roadmap

ideally, i wanted to get started on something backend related but where i'm at in the roadmap i am currently learning the ropes of javascript and honestly i'm okay with that + i've also been having a bit of fun not sure how long that will last but oh well. it's very nice to see the concepts learned in class and being able to apply them here and thanks to that experience, be able to go a little bit more in-depth with it. it's very interesting learning a programming language that isn't statically typed since i learned learning* to program with C++. i feel like once summer break ends and i once again have to use C++ in class, it's going to be a bit tricky since i already feel so used to JS, but it shouldn't be that hard to make the switch tbh.

• finish playing fallout new vegas

honestly i might change the game to bloodborne i've been REALLY into bloodborne as of late compared to new vegas. i've never been a fan of completing a game for the sake of being done with it and moving on. i really like to immerse myself in the stuff i play, and right now that game is bloodborne. i'm a little bit hesitant to put it as a to-do item tbh. cus i feel like i'm pretty slow at the game and i don't wanna rush it through. i'll see if i can finish it but if not, that's okay.

though i felt like i should go into new vegas and see what's up for a bit. i started the honest hearts DLC and it's been pretty alright so far. something i really like is the change of scenery.

• go to the beach

i really need to go to the beach!!!! once i'm done being sick i'll probably go on my own someday :p